Living With “Shoulds”: Pressure, Identity, and the Space in Between

The Voice That Says You “Should”

Most of us know that voice and feel that pressure. The one that says you should be doing more. You should be further along. You should be using your time better.

Sometimes, that voice can be useful. It can help us get moving when we feel stuck for days at a time. It can push us to reach out to friends, start a new routine, or challenge ourselves in work or training.

But there’s a point where it shifts.

Instead of motivating, it starts to follow us around. It doesn’t leave room to rest. It keeps us measuring ourselves against others or a version of who we think we’re supposed to be. And that version often feels just out of reach.

So even when something goes well, it’s hard to land there. The “should” is already a step ahead.

Over time, that can turn life into something we’re always trying to catch up to, instead of something we’re actually living.

When “Shoulds” Don’t Let You Rest

One of the places this shows up most clearly is in our ability to slow down.

There’s a part of our nervous system (para-sympathetic nervous system) that’s responsible for rest, repair, and recovery. It’s what allows us to recharge and rebuild. There’s also a part that helps us focus, perform, and respond to demands (the sympathetic nervous system.)

We need both.

Healthy functioning isn’t about choosing one over the other. It’s about being able to move between them.

But when the “should” voice is constantly demanding more from us, it can interrupt that rhythm. Even when there’s time to rest, something in us feels like we shouldn’t be.

So we stay in a kind of low-level activation, always leaning toward the next task, the next improvement, the next version of ourselves.

Who is this “Should” We're Trying to Be?

When we start to track where theses “shoulds” come from, we often find the have a both a history and a supporting cast.

For a lot of people, it connects back to earlier versions of themselves. Maybe it’s shaped by what you thought you were going to be when you were younger. Those early ideas about success or identity don’t always get updated as life unfolds.

It can also come from the environments we grew up in. If there was a strong sense of expectation, needing to achieve, perform, or be a certain way, then it makes sense that those messages would stick.

As kids, we don’t really question those expectations. We absorb them. Over time, they become part of how we relate to ourselves.

Even in adulthood, that voice can still be there, shaping what we think we’re supposed to want. Often success is seen as financial wealth, exhibited through our homes, our vehicles, or our clothes.

Why Do I Feel Like I Should Be Doing Better in Life?

This is one of the most common questions that comes up.

“I’m doing okay… so why does it feel like it’s not enough?”

Part of this is social, or more specifically, social media.

We’re constantly exposed to curated snapshots of other people’s lives. Not just celebrities, but friends, peers, and coworkers. It’s often a very small slice of their experience, but it can start to feel like a full picture.

And we tend to compare that to our lives while scrolling on our phones after work, in the morning, or when nothing particularly exciting is happening.

That contrast can create a subtle pressure. A sense that we should be doing more, achieving more, or living differently.

But there’s often a deeper layer too. Sometimes that feeling connects back to older expectations, versions of success or identity that we haven’t had a chance to question.

Goals vs. Values: A Useful Place to Start

One way to begin sorting this out is by looking at the difference between goals and values.

Goals are specific and measurable. Things like getting a promotion, running a race, or earning a degree. You can work toward them and eventually complete them.

Values are different. They’re more about how you want to live.

For example, health can be a value. Connection can be a value. Having time for relationships or moving at a slower pace can be a value.

There isn’t a clear finish line with values. They guide direction rather than define an endpoint.

This matters because a lot of “shoulds” are tied to goals that were built on older values.

Sometimes those values came from family, culture, or earlier stages of life.

And sometimes they still fit. But sometimes they don’t.

That’s where the tension starts to show up.

How Do I Figure Out What I Actually Want?

This isn’t something that usually gets solved all at once. It tends to be more of a process of paying attention.

A few starting points:

• Write down your current values. Not what you think they should be, but what actually feels important right now.

• Notice moments of tension. When you feel pulled in two directions, there’s often something worth exploring there.

• Slow things down. Practices like mindfulness or journaling can create space to hear your own perspective more clearly.

Over time, this builds a kind of relationship with yourself. One where you can start to recognize the difference between what feels aligned and what feels inherited.

Why Do I Feel Guilty Doing Things I Enjoy?

This is another place where “shoulds” tend to show up.

If something feels good, but there’s also guilt attached, it can be a signal that at some point, that activity wasn’t allowed or supported.

Maybe it didn’t fit with family expectations. Maybe it wasn’t valued in the environment you were in.

So even now, as an adult, there can be a split. One part of you is enjoying the experience, while another part is questioning it.

Working through that doesn’t mean cutting off your past or completely changing your identity. Often it’s more about creating space.

Space to include new parts of yourself without losing the old ones.

Bringing It Together

If you notice that constant pressure, that sense that you should always be doing more, it mightbe an opportunity to get curious.

Where did this voice come from?

Does it still fit?

And what starts to shift when you slow down?

That process can feel uncertain at times. Even a bit raw.

But it’s also an opportunity to quiet some of the internal voices and live in alignment with a more current version of yourself.

About Author

Geordie Hart is a Registered Clinical Counsellor (RCC) based in Vancouver and works across British Columbia. His work focuses on helping people better understand their patterns, build emotional stability, and live more aligned, meaningful lives. Geordie draws from attachment-informed, values-based, and depth-oriented approaches, and is especially interested in how motivation, meaning, and relationships shape mental health. Outside of counselling, Geordie is a musician and outdoor enthusiast, and believes lasting change happens through curiosity, honesty, and compassion.

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