Why Reaching Out Is Hard When We’re Struggling
Updated: Nov 1
When life starts to stack up, a lot of us do the opposite of reaching out. Work isn't going well, a relationship feels strained, or pressure keeps building, and our world gets smaller. We see fewer people. We get more irritable, or we check out with scrolling, extra hours at work, or a few more drinks.
That's often the exact moment when reaching out would help the most. So why is it so hard?
Why is reaching out so hard when I'm struggling?
Reaching out asks for vulnerability, the willingness to share what you're feeling even though you can't control how it will land.
Some feelings are easier to share than others. Frustration and anger can feel more manageable, even giving a sense of control. Underneath, there are often softer feelings like sadness, fear, or uncertainty. Those are the ones that feel most exposed, and the ones many of us avoid.
Why does vulnerability feel riskier for men?
A lot of it comes from what boys learn growing up. Messages like "toughen up" teach that some feelings aren't welcome. Over time, that becomes an inner rule: handle it yourself and keep it together.
The APA's guidelines for working with men describe how men are often reluctant to admit vulnerability or seek help, and how this can leave them feeling isolated. Those old rules don't disappear on their own, even when they no longer serve us.
What happens when I don't reach out?
Feelings that aren't acknowledged tend to show up in other ways. You might notice:
Lower energy or motivation
Getting irritated more quickly
Feeling more disconnected from the people around you
Spending more time distracting yourself
Leaning on substances to cope
When we pull back, the people who care about us often don't know what's going on. That can leave everyone feeling more distant, and it can make it feel even more like you're on your own.
How can I start reaching out when struggling?
This doesn't mean opening up to everyone at once. It means building the capacity a little at a time.
Notice what's showing up. Sometimes the first sign is a behaviour, like being more reactive or withdrawn. Put simple words to it: "I'm stressed." "I'm off."
Stay with the feeling for a moment. Where do you feel it in your body? What does it seem to need?
Choose one person who feels safe. It doesn't have to be the closest person in your life, just someone you trust.
Share something small. "It's been a rough couple of weeks" is enough to start.
The Harvard Study of Adult Development found that everyone needs at least one person they can count on. Reaching out is how those relationships get stronger.
When it's hard to know where to start
If you've spent years handling everything on your own, asking for support can feel unfamiliar. I wrote about that in Why People Who Have It Together Are Often the Last to Ask For Help. Individual counselling can be a place to practise reaching out, with someone who is there to listen.
Reaching out is a skill. Like any skill, it gets a little easier each time you try.
About Kimia
Kimia Mohammadpour is a Registered Clinical Counsellor at OP Counselling Services in Vancouver, BC, offering virtual counselling across British Columbia and in-person sessions in East Vancouver. She works with high-performing individuals, former competitive athletes, and people navigating addiction and identity transitions, particularly those who have spent years managing their way through things and are beginning to wonder what's underneath it. Her approach is grounded in AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy), a relational approach that works with what's happening in the moment, accessing the emotional patterns underneath, not just the thoughts.
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