Why Reaching Out Is Hard When We’re Struggling

Why Reaching Out Is Hard When We’re Struggling

There’s a pattern that shows up for a lot of us, especially men, when too many challenges start to stack up.

Maybe work isn’t going well, relationships feel strained, or there’s just this underlying pressure building, and instead of reaching out for help, we often do the opposite.

Our world gets smaller.

The list of people we want to see shrinks. We might find ourselves getting more reactive, more frustrated, or just checking out altogether. Maybe that looks like doom scrolling, throwing ourselves into work, drinking a bit more, or just staying busy enough that we don’t have to really look at what’s going on underneath.

And yet, this is often the exact moment where reaching out would help the most.

So why is it so hard?

What vulnerability actually means

Before anything else, it helps to get clear that we're talking about vulnerability, so let's get clear on what that actually means.

Psychologically, vulnerability is pretty simple: it’s the ability to acknowledge and share what you’re feeling, despite the risk of negative feedback.

That includes a wide range of emotions, but most of us are more comfortable sharing certain emotions than others. Frustration, irritation and anger tend to feel more accessible because they can even give a sense of control.

But underneath those are often what we might call the “softer” emotions like sadness, fear, grief, or even uncertainty. Those are the ones that tend to feel more exposed. More risky. And those are typically the ones we avoid.

The advantage of having access to a full range of emotions is that it acts like a compass, helping us navigate challenging situations in real time.

Why vulnerability feels risky (especially for men)

A lot of this comes back to social conditioning.

From a young age, many boys pick up on a message that certain feelings aren’t welcome. Things like fear or sadness can get met with responses like “toughen up” or “man up.”

Over time, that creates an internal rule that men don’t talk about these things.

So what happens? We adapt. We learn to push through. To handle things ourselves. To keep it together on the outside, even when something’s not sitting right internally.

Historically, this made a certain kind of sense. Whether you look at more survival-based roles or later on in the industrial era, there was a strong expectation that men would provide, perform, and keep going regardless of how they felt.

But the world is different now. Most of us aren’t out hunting or building shelter from scratch, even if we sometimes like to think we could. Many people have more consistent access to things like food systems, stable housing, and workplace protections, and there’s been a broader cultural shift that allows for a wider range of male roles.

Still, those old rules don’t just disappear. We often inherit them without ever questioning what actually serves us.

So when something feels off, and we consider opening up, it can feel risky. Not just socially, but internally. Like stepping outside of a version of ourselves we’ve been taught to be for a long time.

What happens when we don’t reach out

When we don’t acknowledge what’s going on and we don’t share it with anyone, it doesn’t just disappear. It tends to show up in other ways.

We might notice:

• Lower energy or motivation

• Getting irritated more quickly

• Feeling more isolated or disconnected

• Spending more time distracting or checking out

• Using substances to cope

And over time, those patterns can create more distance from others and our own experience.

If we pull back when things are hard, the people around us often don’t know what’s going on. That can lead to less connection, less trust, and a stronger sense of doing it all alone.

One important piece here is this: before we can share vulnerability with someone else, we usually have to recognize it in ourselves first.

A more workable way: small steps toward reaching out

This isn’t about suddenly opening up to everyone in your life. That can feel like too much, especially if this hasn’t been your default.

Instead, it’s more about building capacity gradually.

Step 1: Notice what’s showing up

Sometimes the first signal isn’t a clear emotion, but instead a behavioural or thought pattern. Maybe you’re more reactive, more withdrawn, or just off. Start there. Take a few minutes, on a walk, or in the car, or wherever, and put simple language to it:

“I’m stressed.”

“I’m feeling off.”

“I’m a bit overwhelmed.”

Step 2: Spend a bit more time with it

This could look like journaling, a voice note, or thinking it through more intentionally. “What’s actually underneath this?”

It could link back to something specific: work stress, a conversation, uncertainty about the future.

Step 3: Low-stakes sharing

Choose someone you trust and share something small.It doesn’t have to be everything. It could be as simple as:

“Hey, I’ve been a bit stressed lately.”

Step 4: Build some back-and-forth

As that gets more comfortable, you can start to open things up a bit more and allow for some response. Let it be a conversation, not just a one-way share.

Step 5: Go deeper, when it feels right

Over time, with the right people, there’s space to share more of what’s actually going on; fear, uncertainty, or whatever else is there.

Closing thought

If reaching out feels hard, there’s usually a good reason for that. It’s not random.

But it’s also something that can shift.

Not all at once but through small steps, with the right people, and with a bit more awareness of what’s actually going on underneath. And often, that’s where things start to open up again.

True vulnerability is about being honest about your experience in a way that strengthens connection, trust, and resilience.

About Author

Geordie Hart is a Registered Clinical Counsellor (RCC) based in Vancouver and works across British Columbia. His work focuses on helping people better understand their patterns, build emotional stability, and live more aligned, meaningful lives. Geordie draws from attachment-informed, values-based, and depth-oriented approaches, and is especially interested in how motivation, meaning, and relationships shape mental health. Outside of counselling, Geordie is a musician and outdoor enthusiast, and believes lasting change happens through curiosity, honesty, and compassion.

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