Unlearning Shame: How Therapy Helps You Rewrite Old Stories

What does shame sound like in my inner voice?

Shame often shows up quietly, woven into the way we talk to ourselves. It might sound like thoughts of inadequacy or a constant sense of not being “enough.” Sometimes it appears as self-doubt, low confidence, or the belief that you are a burden in other people’s lives.

Over time, shame can shape the stories you tell yourself about who you are and what you’re capable of. It may convince you that your struggles mean something negative about you, rather than reflecting the circumstances you’ve lived through. As a result, shame tends to keep people feeling small, hesitant, and stuck.

In many cases, shame centres the self as the problem. It can lead to patterns of self-blame, where you take responsibility for hardships that were never yours to carry. Even when harm came from outside of you, shame can whisper that it must somehow be your fault.

Importantly, shame doesn’t motivate growth. Instead, it narrows your sense of possibility. It keeps you from taking risks, pursuing goals, or imagining a future that feels meaningful and aligned. When shame is present, moving forward can feel heavy and uncertain.

Where did these messages of “not enough” come from?

Shame doesn’t usually develop in isolation. Often, it forms through repeated experiences where critical feedback outweighed encouragement, validation, or recognition of strengths. Healthy feedback includes both guidance and affirmation. For example, children benefit from learning where they can grow and hearing what they do well. When feedback focuses primarily on mistakes or shortcomings, without being balanced by celebration or reassurance, those messages can be internalized as shame.

Over time, the nervous system learns to associate feedback with feeling small or inadequate. Instead of hearing, “I can grow from this,” the message becomes, “I am the problem.” These beliefs may carry into adulthood, shaping how you interpret challenges, relationships, and setbacks. Because these messages often formed early or during vulnerable periods, they can feel deeply ingrained. However, they are learned responses, not truths about who you are.

How shame keeps us stuck

Shame has a way of freezing movement. When you believe that something is fundamentally wrong with you, it becomes difficult to imagine change feeling safe or attainable. As a result, shame can limit curiosity, creativity, and confidence. It may keep you in familiar patterns, even when those patterns are painful, simply because they feel known. In this way, shame acts less like a guide and more like an anchor holding you in place.

This is one reason unlearning shame is such an important part of therapy. When shame softens, new possibilities emerge. You can begin to approach your experiences with curiosity instead of self-judgment.

Separating who you are from what you’ve been through

One of the most powerful shifts in therapy is learning to distinguish between your identity and your experiences. Your experiences have shaped you. They have influenced how you see the world, how you protect yourself, and how you relate to others. However, they do not define the entirety of who you are.

When experiences are fused with identity, they tend to feel heavy, like something you must carry everywhere. In contrast, when experiences are viewed as information or lessons, they become easier to hold. They can still matter deeply without determining your worth.

Therapy often uses a strength-based approach to support this shift. Together, you and your therapist explore how your experiences contributed to resilience, insight, or values that matter to you now. In this way, the past becomes a source of understanding rather than something that limits your future.

Experiences don’t have to be anchors that keep you stuck. With support, they can also become propellants, helping you move toward a life that feels more intentional and aligned.

A common myth: “Shame keeps me accountable”

Many people believe that shame is necessary for accountability. In reality, shame tends to do the opposite.

Accountability involves awareness, responsibility, and the ability to reflect with honesty and care. Shame, on the other hand, often leads to self-limiting cycles where growth feels unsafe or out of reach. When shame dominates, it becomes difficult to believe you deserve improvement or support.

Therapy helps reframe shame as a signal, not a verdict. Instead of staying stuck in self-blame, you can explore what shame is pointing toward and what it might need in order to soften. Often, that includes compassion, context, and new ways of understanding yourself.

Over time, shame can be reshaped into something more useful: insight, learning, and self-respect.

By unlearning shame therapy helps you rewrite old stories

Therapy offers a safe, steady space to notice the stories shame has been telling and gently question whether they still fit. You don’t have to erase your past to change your relationship with it.

Through reflection, validation, and curiosity, therapy supports you in developing a more balanced inner voice, one that recognizes your challenges and your strengths. With practice, this new voice becomes more familiar and grounding.

Unlearning shame doesn’t happen all at once. It unfolds gradually, as your nervous system receives consistent messages of safety and worth. Over time, the stories that once kept you small begin to loosen.

About the Author

Orli is a Registered Clinical Counsellor (RCC) with over 12 years of experience helping hundreds of clients find long-term sustainable recovery from addiction. She is passionate about providing a safe space for her clients to explore the deepest parts of themselves so they can experience the freedom of living as authentically as possible. Research shows that we develop additional dopamine and serotonin receptors when we’re in meaningful connection with others so if you or someone you know is struggling with addiction or ADHD, please reach out because connection is the foundation of recovery.