When the Coping Strategy That Carried You Stops Working

You've probably been here for a while already. Doing the thing, noticing it isn't landing the same way, and pushing through anyway. Telling yourself it'll even out. That you just need to get through this stretch.

But the stretch keeps stretching. And the thing that used to work, the overworking, the overtraining, the drink at the end of the day, the relentless pushing, isn't giving you what it used to. Not quite. Not anymore.

That's a disorienting place to be. Because the strategy isn't just a habit. It's been part of how you've known yourself.

What "Coping" Looks Like For People Who Have It Together?

Most of the coping strategies I see in the people I work with don't look like problems from the outside. They look like dedication. Discipline. Success, even.

Overworking. Overtraining. Perfectionism. Staying busy enough that there's never a real gap in the day. Using alcohol or substances socially, which in a lot of the environments my clients come from, is just called Tuesday night. These things are rewarded. In athletic and high-performance environments, especially, the line between coping and character is almost invisible. The discipline that's managing something difficult on the inside looks identical, from the outside, to the discipline that's just who you are. That's what makes it so hard to see. Not just for other people, for you.

Early Signs That Something Has Quietly Shifted

I think the signs are quieter than people expect. Like there are things a person has been half-knowing for a while, and at some point they start to be harder to push back down.

One of the clearest signals: the thing stops having the same impact. You push harder, you put in more, and the relief is shorter. Or it doesn't come at all.

There's usually a long period where someone knows something is off and keeps going anyway. I think what keeps people going is something like hope, something like safety. The familiar thing, even when it's not working, feels safer than whatever is on the other side of stopping. And there's a part of the mind that goes: one more time. It'll be different this time.

Why It's So Hard to Name It, Even When You Can See It

A big part of what makes this hard is that the coping strategy isn't separate from who someone is. It's woven into their identity. The work ethic that got you here. The discipline that made you an athlete, that defined you as an athlete, that other people pointed to when they talked about what made you good. The way you hold things together for everyone around you. You can't just look at it from the outside, it's part of the fabric.

And underneath the not-naming, there's usually fear and grief. Because if the strategy isn't working anymore, something has to change. But before something can change, it helps to understand what the strategy has actually been doing.

What These Strategies Have In Common

I think what they have in common is that they all do something similar underneath, they're ways of feeling okay, feeling like you're enough, feeling like you belong. Without having to actually go through whatever is sitting underneath that. And for a long time, they work. That's the thing. They genuinely work.

The problem isn't the strategy. The problem is what happens when it stops being enough, and there's nothing yet to replace it.

That in-between Place

When someone arrives at that point, the thing that was working isn't working, and they don't have a replacement yet, what I often see is confusion, fear, and a kind of grief. Overwhelm. A disorienting feeling that's hard to locate and hard to explain to anyone who hasn't been there.

I don't want to name it too cleanly, because it's different for everyone. But there is a question underneath it that tends to be the same: if I'm not that person, then who am I?

That question deserves space.

I don't think that place has a quick answer. I'm not sure it's supposed to. But I do think it's worth not being in it alone because there's a difference between handling something and actually understanding what you've been carrying in your body, quietly, all this time.

If you're in that in-between place and not sure what comes next, I'd be glad to sit in it with you together.

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About the Author

Kimia Mohammadpour is a Pre-Registered Clinical Counsellor at OP Counselling Services in Vancouver, BC, offering virtual counselling across British Columbia and in-person sessions in East Vancouver. She works with high-performing individuals, former competitive athletes, and people navigating addiction and identity transitions, particularly those who have spent years managing their way through things and are beginning to wonder what's underneath it. Her approach is grounded in AEDP (Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy), a relational approach that works experientially in the moment with what's happening in the room rather than just talking about things that happened, accessing the emotional patterns underneath, not just the thoughts.