Why We Self-Sabotage When Things Are Going Well

Why do I start picking fights or pulling away when life feels calm?

Many people feel confused when they notice themselves creating tension just as things start to feel steady or engaging in self-sabotage when things are going well. They may think, “Why would I do this when things are finally going well?” What’s often happening isn’t self-sabotage in the way we usually think about it. Instead, it’s a nervous system moving toward what feels familiar.

If you grew up in environments that were chaotic, unpredictable, or persistently stressful, calm and stability may feel unusual. Even when life is objectively safer, your body may not recognize it as such. Familiarity often registers as safety, even when that familiarity includes distress.

From a neurobiological perspective, chaos and high stress increase cortisol levels. Cortisol can create a sense of alertness, energy, and focus. When life slows down and cortisol levels drop, some people experience this as flat, restless, or uncomfortable.

In response, the nervous system may seek stimulation. Picking fights, pulling away in relationships, or creating instability can reintroduce that surge of activation. The goal is to restore a level of arousal that the body associates with being alive, engaged, or motivated.

How “safety setpoints” can make stability uncomfortable

Each of us develops an internal safety setpoint: a baseline for what our nervous system recognizes as normal. This setpoint forms early and is shaped by our environments, relationships, and experiences over time. If your safety setpoint was established in a context of chaos or dysfunction, your body may gravitate toward similar states later in life. Stability, calm, or predictability can feel unfamiliar and therefore unsettling. Even positive changes may trigger discomfort simply because they don’t match what your system expects.

This is why learning to feel comfortable in calm can be some of the hardest work in therapy. As stability increases, the nervous system may signal distress because the environment no longer matches the internal template for safety.

Therapy helps bring awareness to this pattern. By noticing the physical signs of dysregulation like tension, restlessness, irritability, or emotional unease, you gain insight into what your system has learned to tolerate. With support, those safety setpoints can shift. Over time, calm begins to feel less threatening and more grounding.

What role does trauma play in the fear of peace?

For many people, trauma shapes a state of hypervigilance. The body learns to stay alert, scanning for potential threats in order to stay safe. While this response may have been essential at one point, it can make peace feel uneasy later on. When hypervigilance is active, calm can feel like letting your guard down. There may be a fear that if you relax, something bad will happen. As a result, the nervous system stays braced, even when there is no immediate danger. Some people unconsciously recreate stress or conflict because it keeps them prepared. Chaos feels safer than stillness because it aligns with the belief that danger arrives when you least expect it.

Therapy helps explore how hypervigilance once served a protective role and how it may no longer be needed in the same way. With time and practice, the nervous system can learn that peace doesn’t equal vulnerability and that it can also mean safety, rest, and connection.

Myth: “I self-sabotage when things are going well because I don’t actually want to be happy.”

This belief is both untrue and deeply unhelpful.

Most people don’t behave with the intention of harming themselves or their relationships. When patterns show up repeatedly, they usually point to unmet needs, old conditioning, or nervous system responses, not a lack of desire for wellbeing.

Labelling these behaviours as “ruinous” or questioning your desire for happiness can erode self-worth and shut down curiosity. In contrast, approaching these patterns with compassion opens the door to understanding.

Therapy reframes these moments not as failures, but as information. When you become curious about why a pattern appears, you can begin developing more supportive strategies for achieving the stability, connection, and wellbeing you genuinely want.

Learning to tolerate calm

Learning to stay present in calm takes practice. It involves noticing when the urge to create tension arises and responding with awareness rather than judgment.

Over time, therapy helps you:

• Recognize early signs of dysregulation

• Understand what your nervous system is seeking

• Build regulation tools that don’t rely on chaos

• Expand your capacity to experience peace without fear

As your system adapts, calm becomes less foreign. Stability starts to feel supportive rather than unsettling.

About the Author

Orli is a Registered Clinical Counsellor (RCC) with over 12 years of experience helping hundreds of clients find long-term sustainable recovery from addiction. She is passionate about providing a safe space for her clients to explore the deepest parts of themselves so they can experience the freedom of living as authentically as possible. Research shows that we develop additional dopamine and serotonin receptors when we’re in meaningful connection with others so if you or someone you know is struggling with addiction or ADHD, please reach out because connection is the foundation of recovery.