The Importance of Feeling Competent: Self-Esteem, Confidence, and Belonging
Not long ago, I had a stretch of about a month where I was less busy in certain parts of my life here in Vancouver. I used that time to take on challenges that had been on my wish list for a long time, including some work on my car and joining a soccer team in my 40s. I quickly realized my body didn't act the same way it did in my 20s. It was humbling.
If I'm being honest, I felt kind of discouraged, and it took me a couple of days to figure out what was going on. When fall picked up and I came back to areas of my work where I do feel competent (music, teaching, and counselling) it was eye-opening to see how much my mood changed. I'm sure lots of factors were happening at once, but what felt most relevant was the importance of feeling competent.
This article grew out of that sensation, and there are some caveats to this idea of feeling competent worth exploring.
What is the importance of feeling competent?
Our sense of competence gives us grounding. We live in a busy world, and if we're on social media seeing everyone's peak moments, we're bound to compare ourselves to that. When we excel at something, that's when we get noticed, and we learn this young. Think of grades, or social status. We're not all going to be great athletes, great in academia, the centre of social circles, and great at work, yet we're pushed to excel in all of them.
Feeling competent helps us trust ourselves and gives us confidence to navigate life's challenges. When we feel competent in one area, we might feel braver taking on something new in another.
Competence is just one piece of the puzzle
There's a helpful framework for this called self-determination theory. It proposes that people tend to thrive when three basic psychological needs are met: autonomy, competence, and relatedness.
Autonomy is the sense that your life is your own, that your choices reflect your own values and interests rather than outside pressures or expectations. Competence is feeling capable and effective, able to develop skills, meet challenges, and have an impact on the things that matter to you. Relatedness is feeling cared for, understood, and connected to other people, knowing that you matter and belong.
Competence is where this article starts, because it's the one that’s most visible. It often shows up first and loudest. As you'll see, it works best alongside the other two.
How does competence shape our self-esteem and sense of belonging?
This is where competence meets relatedness. We're social creatures, and most groups centre around some form of activity, whether it's work, a sport, a creative pursuit or even witty banter.
We build our self-esteem through our sense of belonging. If we show up to a new group and feel capable, that's exciting. If we don't, we start comparing ourselves to others. It can take time to feel at home.
The flip side is what happens when we don't have a place where we belong regardless of our competency. Not all of us have developed this space, depending on our upbringing. Many people point to the importance of a primary caregiver who allows us to feel safe, loved, and cared for no matter what we do. That gives us a balancing centre. We'll be more or less successful at different things, and at the end of the day, we have a space to come back to.
What would it look like to feel accepted without always needing to be useful, skilled, or impressive?
This question is about vulnerability, and about being valued regardless of what we do.
Our society often treats productivity as a defining measure of self-worth. In capitalistic societies, wealth and power guide a lot of that messaging. Even if that isn't a priority for us, we keep hearing that being useful, skilled, or impressive is the highlight.
Consider someone whose self-esteem depends heavily on being competent. Underneath, they may be driven by a fear that being ordinary, making mistakes, or needing help will lead to rejection.
Competence becomes "I need to prove I'm capable." Relatedness becomes "if I'm capable, people will want me around." Over time, autonomy shrinks, and choices get made based on what will earn approval rather than what the person genuinely wants.
So yes, it's helpful to feel competent at something. It's also important to have a sense of self-worth behind that competency, and often that comes from connections that don't rely on it. If we're lucky, that's family or our friend groups.
It can also come from mindfulness. With clients, I often work on a practice of mindful breathing. If you stop and look around right now, you'll often see no immediate threat, only perceived ones like social pressures and deadlines circling. If we can find five minutes in our day to focus on exactly where we are and find safety in that, it can become a centre point we operate from and connecting to our sense of autonomy. From there, we can start to notice whether our choices are coming from our own values or from that storm of expectations.
If you notice your sense of worth feels tied to how well you perform, it can help to talk it through with a counsellor. You can take our match with a therapist quiz or reach out at hello@opcounselling.com.
How do we find a healthy balance between challenging ourselves and knowing our limits?
Part of the answer, for me, is mindfulness: spending a few minutes each day finding a moment where we can be at peace with ourselves and not pulled by the social and societal expectations around us. In that space, we can check in with what we actually value. Am I doing this because I enjoy it or believe in it, or because I’m trying to earn approval? Self-determination theory calls this the difference between intrinsic and extrinsic motivation. The more our choices come from reasons we’ve endorsed as our own, the more autonomous they feel.
We can bring the same awareness to the groups and spaces in our lives. Are there places where you feel valued regardless of your level of “success”? Are there groups where you consistently feel put down, or where you set expectations on yourself before you feel you deserve to be there?
It also means acknowledging the places where we can grow and develop, while enjoying the experience of growing. We can say, okay, I don’t have competence here yet, and I’m working on it. And we can make space to celebrate where we do feel good and capable. It can even help to write a list of the things you spend time on where you feel confident and competent.
It’s my belief that we get to decide which of those areas are important. Society might tell us some are more valuable than others. At the end of the day, it’s our prerogative to decide what we value and what gives us a sense of self-worth. If you find yourself feeling curious about these things, individual therapy can be a great place to explore them without judgement.
Looking back on that humbling month, what stayed with me is how much we need both: places where we feel capable, and a sense of worth that holds steady while we’re still learning. Feeling less competent on the soccer field felt more manageable when I placed less pressure on myself, felt competent elsewhere, and connected with my teammates. A hot bath routine didn’t hurt either ;)
Geordie Hart, RCC is a Registered Clinical Counsellor(RCC) with the BCACC and holds an MA in Counselling Psychology. His work focuses on addiction, ADHD, anxiety, depression, emotional regulation, relationship dynamics, and concurrent mental health concerns. Geordie's practice draws from attachment-informed, trauma-aware, and mindfulness-based approaches, with a focus on helping people understand recurring patterns, build emotional stability, and live more aligned and meaningful lives. Outside of counselling, Geordie is a musician and outdoor enthusiast who believes lasting change grows through curiosity, self-awareness, honesty, and compassion.
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