Why Am I So Lonely? How Chasing Freedom Can Lead to Isolation

Why Am I So Lonely? How Chasing Freedom Can Lead to Isolation

I often hear people share that, despite being surrounded by people, living in Vancouver can feel lonely. It's an issue that comes up in counselling in different forms, and I think it's worth exploring from a perspective that isn't always talked about.

Recently I've been thinking about how feeling lonely can result from the pursuit of freedom. Sometimes, the very thing we're pursuing in hopes of feeling happier can unintentionally move us further away from the connection we're looking for.

Before we get there, though, it's important to make a distinction.

What is the difference between loneliness and solitude?

Solitude and loneliness are not the same thing.

Solitude is being with ourselves. It can be restorative. If life has been busy or overwhelming, spending time alone can help us reconnect with ourselves. That kind of space is important.

Loneliness feels different.

Loneliness is the feeling that we're the only ones in the world. It can feel like there is no sense of belonging, like nobody could understand or relate to our experience. When loneliness becomes intense, it can feel heavy and alienating. It can make us feel disconnected from existence itself.

As painful as that experience can be, it's also a very human one.

Why Am I So Lonely? How Chasing Freedom Can Lead to Isolation

When I think about freedom, I think about how valuable it is, especially if we've grown up in environments where we didn't have much of it.

If we've lived in households, families, or relationships where we didn't feel free to express ourselves, finally having that opportunity can feel intoxicating. Being able to choose for ourselves, speak our minds, and pursue our own needs can bring a tremendous sense of relief.

Freedom matters.

But like many things, I find it helpful to think of it on a spectrum.

As we move toward greater freedom, we also become less beholden to social and relational expectations. If we continue moving in that direction without considering the people around us, our pursuit of personal freedom can begin to pull us away from connection.

Sometimes the ways we express our freedom come into conflict with the people around us. At its furthest extreme, freedom can begin to separate us from others rather than bringing us closer to them.

That doesn't mean freedom is the problem. It simply means that freedom on its own may not be enough to find meaning in existence.

How can responsibility create connection instead of feeling like a burden?

On the other end of the spectrum, I think about responsibility.

Responsibility often involves other people. While freedom is about expressing our own needs and desires, responsibility asks us to consider the needs of those around us.

As we begin taking on responsibilities, whether that's helping with projects at work, contributing within a family, or showing up in a relationship, those responsibilities can begin to create a sense of meaning.

They can also create a sense of belonging.

There is something connective about contributing to something larger than ourselves. Feeling needed and participating in the lives of other people can help reduce the isolation that loneliness often brings.

What happens when we swing too far in either direction?

If freedom and responsibility exist on a spectrum, it's also possible to move too far toward either end.

Sometimes, people respond to loneliness by taking on more responsibility.

The challenge is that if we're taking on responsibilities simply to escape isolation, we may end up saying yes to things we don't actually feel connected to.

That could look like entering a serious relationship, having children, or taking on a job primarily because we're searching for belonging, without fully considering the long-term responsibilities that come with those choices.

Someone may go from having very few responsibilities and feeling isolated to saying yes to everything. Eventually, that can become overwhelming.

Instead of feeling connected, they begin to feel overburdened. Resentment starts to grow. There is less and less time for themselves, and over time it can begin to feel like they have become nothing more than their responsibilities.

Around this point, it can be helpful to pause and check in with yourself. If you're finding it difficult to make sense of your own patterns of connection or isolation, you can take OP Counselling's therapist matching quiz or reach out at hello@opcounselling.com to start a conversation about what support might fit you best.

How can we find a healthier balance between freedom and responsibility?

I think the first step is simply acknowledging that these two pulls exist.

From there, I would begin with mindfulness. Where am I right now on this spectrum? Do I have enough freedom to pursue and express my own needs? Do I have the courage to express myself when there is conflict, while also considering the needs of the other people?

Often, we avoid expressing ourselves because we're afraid we'll upset someone. Sometimes we avoid those people altogether. Other times, we make the conflict much bigger than it needs to be.

Part of expressing our freedom is learning how to do it in a way that acknowledges both our own needs and the needs of the people around us.

The same mindfulness applies to responsibility. When we decide to take on new responsibilities, it helps to do so intentionally.

Finding responsibilities that align with our values and create a sense of meaning, then adding them gradually, can help us build a healthier balance between freedom and responsibility.

Will we find that balance once and stay there forever?

I doubt it.

There will probably be times when we've taken on more than we have the capacity for. We may notice overwhelm or resentment returning.

When that happens, I think it's helpful to check in with ourselves.

Maybe we notice it in our body. We feel it in our forehead or our chest. Maybe we notice changes in our mood or the way we're speaking.

Other times, we may notice we've drifted too far toward freedom. We begin feeling isolated again. We notice that familiar feeling that we're disconnected from other people.

When we become aware of those experiences, we have an opportunity to acknowledge them, first with ourselves and then, when possible, with others. From there, we can begin making small adjustments to the balance between freedom and responsibility in our lives.

In my experience, that balance isn't something we achieve once. It's something we continue paying attention to as our lives, relationships, and capacities change.

Author Bio

Geordie Hart, RCC is a Registered Clinical Counsellor(RCC) with the BCACC and holds an MA in Counselling Psychology. His work focuses on addiction, ADHD, trauma, emotional regulation, relationship dynamics, and concurrent mental health concerns. His work draws from attachment-informed, trauma-aware, and mindfulness-based approaches, with a focus on helping people understand recurring patterns, build emotional stability, and live more aligned and meaningful lives. Outside of counselling, Geordie is a musician and outdoor enthusiast who believes lasting change grows through curiosity, self-awareness, honesty, and compassion.