Why Do My Relationships Keep Following the Same Patterns? Attachment Syles and How They Shape Us.

Why Do My Relationships Keep Falling Into the Same Patterns?

One of the most common questions people ask about relationships is: “Why do I keep choosing the wrong partner?” It’s a complex question, and I think it’s worth slowing down and unpacking two parts of it.

First, “why do I keep choosing?” which puts the focus on your choices, patterns, and history. Second, “the wrong partner” which is usually where our attention goes, especially when a relationship has been painful or confusing. In this post, I want to focus mostly on the first part: why we choose who we choose, and how attachment patterns shape our relationships over time.

How Attachment Patterns Shape Who We’re Drawn To

When I talk about attachment patterns, I’m referring to the ways we learned to connect, trust, and feel cared for in early life. Our first experiences of attachment usually come from our primary caregivers, often parents or whoever was most present for us as children. That’s where we learn what closeness feels like, how predictable relationships are, and whether we feel safe being vulnerable.

If our early relationships felt secure (consistent, caring, and responsive) we may be more likely to seek partners who feel stable, communicative, and predictable.

If our caregivers were more anxious, avoidant, or inconsistent, we may find ourselves drawn to similar patterns in adult relationships, not because we consciously want them, but because they feel familiar.

This doesn’t mean we’re doomed to repeat those patterns. It does suggest that familiarity often feels like chemistry, even when it’s not what we consciously want.

Why Do the Same Fights Show Up in Every Relationship?

Another common question is: “Why do I keep having the same fights in different relationships?”

Often, this comes down to a mismatch between what we want consciously and what we’ve learned to expect or tolerate unconsciously.

We might find ourselves wanting closeness, communication, or reliability, while repeatedly being drawn to partners who are emotionally distant, inconsistent, or unavailable. The conflict then becomes a recurring theme: pursuing, withdrawing, misunderstanding, or feeling unseen.

When similar conflicts show up across relationships, it’s often a sign that there’s a disconnect between our conscious desires and our attachment patterns. Recognizing that mismatch is an important step. It suggests awareness is growing and that something inside you is noticing, “This isn’t what I want anymore.”

Commitment Issues, Attachment Issues, or Just Bad Luck?

People often wonder whether they have commitment issues, attachment issues, or whether they’ve just had bad luck in relationships.

For me, commitment and attachment are closely linked. We tend to feel more willing to commit to people who feel familiar and emotionally significant to us. Sometimes that familiarity is grounded in safety. Sometimes it’s grounded in patterns that developed early on.

For example, someone with a more avoidant attachment style might find commitment challenging, not because they don’t want connection, but because closeness has felt unsafe in the past. On the other hand, someone with an anxious attachment style might commit very quickly, sometimes before getting a full sense of whether the relationship is supportive and aligned.

Is that a commitment issue? In some ways yes, but it’s also an attachment story.

And sometimes, it really is bad luck. But even with bad luck, we can learn from patterns and use them as information about what we want and need going forward.

Can Therapy Help With Relationship Patterns?

I believe therapy can be particularly helpful for understanding and shifting relationship patterns.

A big part of the work involves noticing who we’re drawn to, how we respond in relationships, and what feels familiar versus what feels nourishing. Therapy can help you explore early experiences, understand how those experiences shaped your attachment patterns, and bring those patterns into conscious awareness.

From there, you can start asking different questions:

• What kind of partnership feels supportive to me now?

• What do I need to feel safe and connected?

• What patterns am I ready to move toward or away from?

Awareness doesn’t mean we suddenly change everything, but it creates space for more choice.

“I Just Haven’t Met the Right Person Yet”

This is a common belief, and it makes sense. Sometimes we really haven’t met someone who feels aligned, available, and compatible.

I tend to think in terms of right person, right time. Timing includes not just where the other person is, but where you are; how aware you are of your needs, how aligned your patterns are with your values, and how ready you are to recognize and respond to something different.

As we build awareness of our attachment patterns and what we want from relationships, we become more able to recognize partners who feel supportive and aligned, rather than simply familiar.

Moving Toward More Aligned Relationships

If you’re noticing repeating patterns, recurring conflicts, or familiar relationship dynamics, that awareness is already a meaningful step. It suggests that part of you is tracking patterns and imagining something different.

Exploring attachment patterns, communication styles, and your needs can help you move toward relationships that feel safer, more sustainable, and more aligned with who you are today. About the Author

Geordie Hart is a Registered Clinical Counsellor (RCC) based in Vancouver and works across British Columbia. His work focuses on helping people better understand their patterns, build emotional stability, and live more aligned, meaningful lives. Geordie draws from attachment-informed, values-based, and depth-oriented approaches, and is especially interested in how motivation, meaning, and relationships shape mental health. Outside of counselling, Geordie is a musician and outdoor enthusiast, and believes lasting change happens through curiosity, honesty, and compassion.

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